Welcome to my Diary
It's been a month, and I have been pretty busy. But now that I am done with work I have a lot more freetime again. I'll be moving to a different state for the summer and I think I really need it. I don't like where I am right now, I really need a change. I get this feeling every so often, and I feel like something dramatic has to happen to satisfy it. I think that getting away from here for awhile will be good for me. I finally got remedicated for my ADHD, but I can still feel everything else piling up. I need to get a therapist, but I don't know how that would work in my current situation. I just kinda hate everything and everyone right now. I have no interest an anything, and I am studying to go back to school so I'll atleast have a distraction. Just the realization at the end of last year that I didn't really have anyone besides my boyfriend and best friend that I am close with, and the confirmation after choosing not to initiate things, has sent me into a spiral. I am really sick of the shallow connections I make, and I don't know how to find people who I can actually connect with. I don't know how to connect deeper with the people I already know, or if I'd even want to. I don't think the people who haven't even contacted me after however many months are the people I need to keep trying to connect with, or put effort into. I thought if I did things or went to events where I had a similar interest with people, I would be able to make friends. But even though I have been consistently showing up, and I at least now am interacting with people regularly, I don't know if they would even consider me as an acquaintance. I wish I could see myself through the eyes of the people I interact with so I could better understand what I'm not doing right. I don't think people think I'm a very interesting person, and I am never a prescence that is missed. I keep telling myself "oh if I do this I can make myself more valuable as a human, people will like me more," and it's starting to feel like all my aspirations are pointless. I am pursuing law because I genuinely want to help people, but maybe it's a way to prove to myself, or others, that I am smart enough to do it. Everyday I think about what I was told by someone last year, "there's nothing worth investing in you". I can't let it go, I am constantly wondering how I become that person worth investing in, and I have been making sure I invest in myself first because that's the most important thing, but I don't know if a year later I am any better off. It's just a weird time for me, and I'm just trying to figure out how I get over all my fears. I just can't connect. I know it won't be that way forever but I can't help but be resentful about the current situation. I know a lot of this is my unchecked mental illness talking, and I have made issues out of nothing but my own delusions like this in the past. I am really hoping that a new enviornment will work wonders for me.
This is such a boring entry full of self pity, but I think it was nice to just write it out. Happier things to come.
In other news, I did end up going to my friend's lakehouse, and I got to use the hottub but I broke out in rashes all over my body from it which sucked.. And I lowkey thought maybe I was just crazy and it was just a me problem but other people who went had the same thing happen, so huge L. But besides that I had a good time. We did a puzzle, cooked, helped my friend get their car out of a ditch, and got very drunk of course. Here are some pics from that.
The weekend after that I played in a volleyball tournament, and we ended up placing third but I lowkey think we should have won the whole thing. Our team just got extremely tilted after losing easy points and the better players started making a lot of mistakes when upset, and it was a whole mess. I was pretty proud of myself though because it was my first time playing libero and I apparently did very well. I have some videos of me playing I might add here at some point.
This past weekend I went to a party with my BF, and usually when we go to this friend of his parties I somehow drink too much and end up puking because it's always after a time period where I haven't drank in awhile. It was a fun party, but I overdid it and ended up throwing up when we got home, so not so fun there. I won't be drinking like that for awhile. I honestly don't even like drinking like that, I just indulge a little too much in certain situations.
The day after I went to watch my BF compete in his first rock climbing competiton which was a ton of fun. We got to rock climb in the dark, and they let us DJ the music during the event which was fun. It was cool to see all the finalists compete, and see just how crazy good they were. I haven't been crazy into climbing, I just go ocasionally when the BF goes, but watching that made me really want to get into it more. Super cool experience.
After the craft night I went to see what my boyfriend has been working on for his research. He and his team is building an exoskeleton I believe, and he was working on a part for it. He needed help sewing so I got to teach him how to sew, and also got to see the space he works in which was super cool.
The food he made was so good, and he was all dressed up in a suit. We had some tiramisu for desert which was so bomb, and after we ended up playing some SpiderHeck with his roommate. It was a super chill night and I'm glad I am dating such an amazing man.
I have been putting off building my webstie and just browsing other people's like crazy to get inspired. I have a lot of ideas for what I want to do and I'm really excited but I also tend to overwhelm myself when I plan too much. I hope I stay consistent because I am really enjoying this.
In other news, I have been working out everyday, and playing a ton of volleyball. I have met some new people and I am hoping soon they will be new friends. The more consistently I show up the more people come up to me to talk. I'm excited to get to know everyone, even though I get nervous talking to new people. I've been feeling really lonely lately, so some new friends would be good for me. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and I haven't figured out what to get the BF, but later today I am going to make him something for sure.
Okay this took so long to put together and I want to die now. That's all for today. I also am watching the superbowl. Very epic.
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